The Home Test Conundrum (with DBT skills to help!)
It's a scenario many of us undergoing fertility treatments are familiar with: staring down at that little stick, feeling a mix of hope and dread swirling in our hearts. Do we wait for the clinic's blood test, clinging to the hope that this time, it might finally be positive? Do we risk getting a phone call in the middle of our day with a potentially negative result? Do we reach for some semblance of control and take the test in our own bathrooms?
Prior to infertility treatments, you may have used your menstrual cycle as an unofficial pregnancy test. If your period was late, you took a pregnancy test. But with infertility treatments, the manipulated hormone levels will affect your cycle and how your body feels, making it very challenging to know in those early days if you are pregnant or not without taking a test.
It’s important to note that your clinic is using evidenced based protocols on determining when your hCG blood test (often called the beta test) is scheduled. The doctor wants to maximize accuracy and minimize unnecessary waiting. It is known that home tests can be inaccurate. We’ve heard this. We know this. But sometimes we can’t help ourselves. And surely if we take fifteen home tests, we’ll draw an accurate conclusion…right?
As a therapist specializing in supporting individuals navigating the emotional rollercoaster of infertility treatments, my encouragement would be to make the decision best for your mental health.
But how do you know which decision will be best for you?
Ask yourself this - When you think about waiting for the beta test and getting the results from a nurse or doctor, what comes up for you? Anxiety about having to wait? Dread of not knowing how to structure your day? Loneliness in getting such important, personal information over the phone?
There's a distinct difference between choosing to take a home pregnancy test with the intention of safely holding a compassionate space for ourselves, compared to being unable to tolerate the excruciating uncertainty, compulsively checking for answers. Both paths are valid, but they carry different emotional weights and potential risks.
If you choose to take a home test, make sure to give yourself what you need. Plan for time to be present with your emotions and have some strategies to reduce any distressing feelings that come up. (If you are looking for the best ways to quickly de-escalate painful emotions, check this video out - DBT TIPP Skills)
Maybe the thought of waiting for the clinic test is making your heart beat out of your chest, and you’d rather start taking pregnancy tests days after your embryo transfer. For some, the allure of knowing, of grasping onto even a sliver of certainty in the midst of chaos, is irresistible. And who could blame you? The waiting game of infertility treatments can feel like an eternity, each day stretching out endlessly until that moment of reckoning arrives. Taking a home pregnancy test can offer a semblance of control, a way to grasp onto hope or brace ourselves for disappointment.
If you can pause for just a moment to think this through, you can still be intentional with your mental health.
You’ve survived 100% of the waiting periods throughout this journey. It’s not a question of surviving the waiting period. It’s about tolerating it. In a moment when you can’t tolerate the uncertainty and the slow-passing hours, when it feels like the act of taking a home test will bring you some peace, even if it is temporary, it’s important to let go of any shame and let yourself do what you need to do.
Have you already taken multiple tests? Obsessively checking for results can quickly spiral into a cycle of anxiety and despair. Shaming or judging yourself is not going to help the emotions that led you to test yourself in the first place. But you can learn a lot from sitting in those feelings, noticing what comes up for you, and gaining insight into your stress. These skills will become the building blocks toward self-compassion and emotional healing. (Want to walk through how to stop acting on the automatic urge to take another test? Check this video out - DBT- STOP)
Full disclosure: I'm not immune to the home pregnancy test dilemma. In fact, I have a confession to make—I hate peeing on sticks. The very idea of it sends shivers down my spine, and I avoid it whenever possible. So when faced with the decision of whether to take a home test or wait for the clinic's blood test, I opted for the latter without hesitation.
But that didn't stop me from obsessively checking my Boston IVF online patient portal every five minutes for hours on end to check for results. And just like the person who takes multiple home tests, I spiraled into anxiety until I had to force myself to walk away from my laptop. Looking back, I know with certainty that eventually being able to tolerate the waiting was a bigger kindness to myself than repeatedly checking the result portal.
Closing Thoughts:
The home pregnancy test dilemma is just one of the many emotional hurdles we face on the journey to parenthood. Whether we choose to take the test or not, it's essential to approach the process with self-compassion and kindness. There's no right or wrong way to navigate this path, only what feels true and authentic to each individual.
So the next time you find yourself faced with the decision of whether to take a home pregnancy test, remember to hold space for yourself. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions arise, whether it's hope, fear, or uncertainty. And above all, remember that you're not alone on this journey. Reach out for support when you need it, whether it's from loved ones, therapists, or support groups. Together, we can navigate the twists and turns of infertility treatments with grace and resilience.